Thank you. My situation, alas, hasn't really improved since I made that phone call. I'm doing my best to hang on, but between work continuing to be a pain in the butt (old supervisor quit early last month and still hasn't been replaced, a bunch of new hires either have been fired or quit, and I've had to shoulder more and more of the burden and come in and work more and more time to keep things afloat) and home continuing to be a pain in the butt (housemate that I never wanted continuing to carry on amusing themselves despite my complaints, lots of stuff needing to get done but not getting done because of time away at work and because other people need to get up off their asses and do stuff first), I just feel stuck in a very deep rut. Not fun at all.
Mental Health and Suicide
- Thread starter Caldwin
- Start date
Thank you. My situation, alas, hasn't really improved since I made that phone call. I'm doing my best to hang on, but between work continuing to be a pain in the butt (old supervisor quit early last month and still hasn't been replaced, a bunch of new hires either have been fired or quit, and I've had to shoulder more and more of the burden and come in and work more and more time to keep things afloat) and home continuing to be a pain in the butt (housemate that I never wanted continuing to carry on amusing themselves despite my complaints, lots of stuff needing to get done but not getting done because of time away at work and because other people need to get up off their asses and do stuff first), I just feel stuck in a very deep rut. Not fun at all.
That reminds me of a story in Old Allspark's version of this thread. I found a counselor. I went in. "Sorry you can only make an appointment over our phone system... but it's down right now." Okay so I thought I'd at least look at a brochure before I left. On the final page it said if you need help... "look in the phone book."
I never went back.
I wish it were easier to get help. The last thing you need when reaching out for help is for even that to feel futile. But that's why we have this thread. If we can't get help maybe we can be the help, and if enough of us be the help maybe it'll loop around and we'll get help.
I never went back.
I wish it were easier to get help. The last thing you need when reaching out for help is for even that to feel futile. But that's why we have this thread. If we can't get help maybe we can be the help, and if enough of us be the help maybe it'll loop around and we'll get help.
He's going to live.
It's going to be a battle but now we have a warrior. This doctor is not a coward. He thinks this cancer is operable, and based on all the findings that just makes more sense than what that hospital was saying.
Back in and out of the hospital this morning for an outpatient procedure. I wish Miracle Doctor could have done it because MAN does this hospital suck, but simple procedures aren't his specialty.
We meet Miracle Doctor again tomorrow to review the imaging results and finalize the attack plan. It's going to be a long day.
Update: it still seems like that hospital was colossally full of jive. There is a spot this doctor wants to investigate further but we looked at the images we currently have and at no point did he say anything like "Oh God it's everywhere."
It is up in the air as to whether chemo will be necessary.
It is up in the air as to whether chemo will be necessary.
I don't fully blame the hospitals. Most of them are understaffed and overworked (yes, even in the US.) and are further strung out by covid. Does it seem like they fucked this up? Yup.
Still: awesome news, and I hope it keep being good news.
Still: awesome news, and I hope it keep being good news.
I'm feeling better. I told him to get out of that hospital and I found this better doctor, so I've had the added pressure of hoping I wasn't wrong. What that hospital was saying didn't make sense to me but this doctor could have said they know what they're doing and they're right. But he's not.
I'm pleased to say that my work situation has improved a tiny bit - we've got a new supervisor, and he knows the job enough to keep things on track. Unfortunately, we're still having hiring issues, and some of the preexisting employees are having troubles getting in or have transferred elsewhere. And that's ignoring my continuing to do extra work that others can easily do themselves (seriously, how hard is it to write something down?) I fear I'll be back to working extra time before too long.
Home, alas, remains as-is. Housemate's still a pain in the butt, and I'm still unable to get things done because life keeps on getting in the way.
Home, alas, remains as-is. Housemate's still a pain in the butt, and I'm still unable to get things done because life keeps on getting in the way.
And today was not a good day for me at work. Got asked yesterday to come in early today - did so, only to discover that we were in pretty good shape today. My presence helped things to run a little more smoothly, however, so that was a good thing, and all the important stuff got done.
Trouble is that we had one customer today who got me feeling absolutely miserable. They were an EBT customer, meaning that they're supposed to pay for their order with a food stamp card. They didn't have their card with them, and tried to show us a picture of their card in the hopes that doing so would be sufficient to allow them to get their groceries...and this is after them being several hours late to get their order. I tried to explain to them that we needed the actual card, even as one of my coworkers tried to get hold of a manager to assist and we had other customers waiting, and they accuse me of giving them attitude. That got me feeling miserable. The fact that they are likely to one, not come for their order, two, complain to management about me, and three, that I will be the one who has to take all the stuff they ordered and put it back on the shelves because no one else can be bothered to do it.
I've worked this job for three and a half years. It was far less stressful, and far more pleasant, before the pandemic hit. After it hit, everything went down the toilet. Things got moderately better for a time thanks to us hiring on more people, but almost all of those people (as well as some of the people there pre-pandemic) have left. Now on a daily basis I have customers giving me grief over things that we don't have in-stock or have to deal with some other sort of headache or madness. Couple that with my previously mentioned headaches at home, and I honestly feel like things aren't going to improve, just continue to be troublesome.
I don't want people to tell me to "hang in there" - I want them to throw me a rope and help me climb the damn mountain. I don't want them to tell me that "It'll get better" - I want them to help me to improve my situation. I've been waiting a year for my ex-girlfriend/ex-housemate to clear out her belongings (just a little bit more to go!). I've been waiting almost a year and a half for the housemate that I never wanted (invited to stay with us by the aforementioned ex for what was supposed to be a week or two at most) to get up off their butt and find their own place instead of spending every waking moment parked in the living room watching TV (I've long reached my tolerance for PBS Kids). I've been waiting over two years for a third thing to happen, and I'm starting to think that none of these things are going to come to pass. Hell, even being able to go into work, get my proper thirty minute lunch break and not feel like I have to take care of all the little details and minutiae. I don't want to quit - I like the people I work with. I just want to stop feeling like everything is on me. I want to feel like I matter. I want the simple things - peace of mind, a quiet home, the ability to sit down and my lunch either at work or at home and not have it be disrupted by someone or something else. I want to be able to get things done for me...and I feel like I'm not allowed to do any of that.
Either God hates me or He's decided that I'm His chew toy. Either way, I don't like it.
Trouble is that we had one customer today who got me feeling absolutely miserable. They were an EBT customer, meaning that they're supposed to pay for their order with a food stamp card. They didn't have their card with them, and tried to show us a picture of their card in the hopes that doing so would be sufficient to allow them to get their groceries...and this is after them being several hours late to get their order. I tried to explain to them that we needed the actual card, even as one of my coworkers tried to get hold of a manager to assist and we had other customers waiting, and they accuse me of giving them attitude. That got me feeling miserable. The fact that they are likely to one, not come for their order, two, complain to management about me, and three, that I will be the one who has to take all the stuff they ordered and put it back on the shelves because no one else can be bothered to do it.
I've worked this job for three and a half years. It was far less stressful, and far more pleasant, before the pandemic hit. After it hit, everything went down the toilet. Things got moderately better for a time thanks to us hiring on more people, but almost all of those people (as well as some of the people there pre-pandemic) have left. Now on a daily basis I have customers giving me grief over things that we don't have in-stock or have to deal with some other sort of headache or madness. Couple that with my previously mentioned headaches at home, and I honestly feel like things aren't going to improve, just continue to be troublesome.
I don't want people to tell me to "hang in there" - I want them to throw me a rope and help me climb the damn mountain. I don't want them to tell me that "It'll get better" - I want them to help me to improve my situation. I've been waiting a year for my ex-girlfriend/ex-housemate to clear out her belongings (just a little bit more to go!). I've been waiting almost a year and a half for the housemate that I never wanted (invited to stay with us by the aforementioned ex for what was supposed to be a week or two at most) to get up off their butt and find their own place instead of spending every waking moment parked in the living room watching TV (I've long reached my tolerance for PBS Kids). I've been waiting over two years for a third thing to happen, and I'm starting to think that none of these things are going to come to pass. Hell, even being able to go into work, get my proper thirty minute lunch break and not feel like I have to take care of all the little details and minutiae. I don't want to quit - I like the people I work with. I just want to stop feeling like everything is on me. I want to feel like I matter. I want the simple things - peace of mind, a quiet home, the ability to sit down and my lunch either at work or at home and not have it be disrupted by someone or something else. I want to be able to get things done for me...and I feel like I'm not allowed to do any of that.
Either God hates me or He's decided that I'm His chew toy. Either way, I don't like it.
Lots of updates:
Doctor did a biopsy on that spot. It's cancer, on the liver. Not good. On the bright side, this guy got a little ambitious while he was in there and he fixed some other things he noticed that were immediately operable. I don't know if he's supposed to do that without asking but whatever he did in there caused an incredible improvement in symptoms. I've seen it with my own eyes. This guy's good.
Chemo is going to be necessary after all. On the bright side, this doctor hooked us up with his favorite chemo guy, and we're in. First appointment is Monday.
Chemo is going to be brutal. On the bright side, my dad has been deemed physically fit enough to survive brutal chemo, so this chemo guy is going to go balls to the wall. It's our only option, but at least it is an option.
When chemo is over this doctor plans on cutting out whatever cancer is left. We're not on an 'ease your pain while you die' treatment plan yet. This doctor is still planning on winning.
If anyone tells you you're dying, get a second opinion. Put up a fight, because there are people out there who are willing to help you put up a fight.
We still haven't reached the point where doctors have the big news conference to announce "We've beaten cancer" but I think we are reaching a point where all the little victories over the years are really adding up.
Big update:
Last week was supposed to be a chemo appointment. Then they rescheduled it for today because if they do chemo on a Tuesday they flush the port on Friday, and they would have been the day after Thanksgiving and they didn't wanna.
This morning it turned out that nobody had bothered to mention that the appointment was also scheduled an hour earlier in the day and he was already late. But they let him in so whatever. It was a 5 hour session.
He looked good when it was over. Chemo is probably going to suck at some point but we'll see. Right now things are looking up.
Last week was supposed to be a chemo appointment. Then they rescheduled it for today because if they do chemo on a Tuesday they flush the port on Friday, and they would have been the day after Thanksgiving and they didn't wanna.
This morning it turned out that nobody had bothered to mention that the appointment was also scheduled an hour earlier in the day and he was already late. But they let him in so whatever. It was a 5 hour session.
He looked good when it was over. Chemo is probably going to suck at some point but we'll see. Right now things are looking up.
There's a saying, "When you're in your own mind, you're in enemy territory", and in my case, that's definitely true. When pondering myself, my mindscape is essentially a minefield of fear, doubt, frustration, regret, and self-recrimination. Sometimes I manage to find a path with fewer mines, and at others, I blunder right into a spot thick with them.
"You're going to fail." BOOM!
"You're broken." BOOM!
"You're weak." BOOM!
"You're selfish." BOOM!
"You're an imposter." BOOM!
"You're a coward." BOOM!
"You're a poor excuse for a friend." BOOM!
"You've wasted your life." BOOM!
"You're more trouble than you're worth." BOOM!
"All they'll do is hurt you." BOOM!
"They're all going to leave you." BOOM!
"This pain is what you deserve." BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!
There are many knock-on effects to this of course, one of which is the fact that much of the time I cannot stand to look at myself, because when I do, I see the face of my own accuser, and most persistent nemesis. The face of an enemy that reminds me of every flaw, every shortcoming, every failure, whether they be real, or imagined.
This is what my depression and my anxieties have done to me, and I honestly don't know where they end and I begin.
Isolation makes these things worse, so naturally one of my most common coping-mechanisms is to self-isolate. Then I chide myself for every missed opportunity for conversation, and retreat further inward. I chide myself for being a bad friend who cannot seem to stay in touch, and retreat further inward. Or worse still, chiding myself for being a bad lover, a bad husband, who loves deeply but who is so terrified of abandonment and loss that he keeps distancing himself, retreating ever further inward. It all becomes a positive-feedback loop that is exceedingly difficult to break. I KNOW all of this, and yet I still keep falling into the same traps.
But how can you have a conversation when you can't find the words? When you feel like you have nothing of value to say? When you feel like you'll be ignored anyway, or you'll say something foolish and you'll either be laughed-off, misunderstood, or deemed a fraud? My fears become paralysis, and that is where I've been existing for the better part of two years.
I feel like I'm saying too much, and yet not saying enough.
It goes without saying, but I have to say it anyway. This pandemic has made everything so much worse. I ended my counseling because I was dissatisfied with my counsellor, but have this far declined to seek out the help I clearly need, and even though it leaves me un-medicated. I haven't seen a doctor in over 2 years despite the fact that I have issues that need to be addressed.
Pandemic or no, I clearly cannot continue in this fashion, because if I do, I'm going to end up becoming a statistic.
Yesterday I took a small step, and found that the Doctor assigned by our health-provider is 42 miles to the north. Clearly, having to drive over and hour just to see your general practitioner is ridiculous, and I'm going to have to call my provider to change that. So, I'm currently trying to parse out enough spoons to do exactly that.
As a semi-lighthearted aside, I somehow managed to type all of that out with no typos to correct. Small victories.
I'll post an update later and let everyone know how that goes.
"You're going to fail." BOOM!
"You're broken." BOOM!
"You're weak." BOOM!
"You're selfish." BOOM!
"You're an imposter." BOOM!
"You're a coward." BOOM!
"You're a poor excuse for a friend." BOOM!
"You've wasted your life." BOOM!
"You're more trouble than you're worth." BOOM!
"All they'll do is hurt you." BOOM!
"They're all going to leave you." BOOM!
"This pain is what you deserve." BOOM!BOOM!BOOM!
There are many knock-on effects to this of course, one of which is the fact that much of the time I cannot stand to look at myself, because when I do, I see the face of my own accuser, and most persistent nemesis. The face of an enemy that reminds me of every flaw, every shortcoming, every failure, whether they be real, or imagined.
This is what my depression and my anxieties have done to me, and I honestly don't know where they end and I begin.
Isolation makes these things worse, so naturally one of my most common coping-mechanisms is to self-isolate. Then I chide myself for every missed opportunity for conversation, and retreat further inward. I chide myself for being a bad friend who cannot seem to stay in touch, and retreat further inward. Or worse still, chiding myself for being a bad lover, a bad husband, who loves deeply but who is so terrified of abandonment and loss that he keeps distancing himself, retreating ever further inward. It all becomes a positive-feedback loop that is exceedingly difficult to break. I KNOW all of this, and yet I still keep falling into the same traps.
But how can you have a conversation when you can't find the words? When you feel like you have nothing of value to say? When you feel like you'll be ignored anyway, or you'll say something foolish and you'll either be laughed-off, misunderstood, or deemed a fraud? My fears become paralysis, and that is where I've been existing for the better part of two years.
I feel like I'm saying too much, and yet not saying enough.
It goes without saying, but I have to say it anyway. This pandemic has made everything so much worse. I ended my counseling because I was dissatisfied with my counsellor, but have this far declined to seek out the help I clearly need, and even though it leaves me un-medicated. I haven't seen a doctor in over 2 years despite the fact that I have issues that need to be addressed.
Pandemic or no, I clearly cannot continue in this fashion, because if I do, I'm going to end up becoming a statistic.
Yesterday I took a small step, and found that the Doctor assigned by our health-provider is 42 miles to the north. Clearly, having to drive over and hour just to see your general practitioner is ridiculous, and I'm going to have to call my provider to change that. So, I'm currently trying to parse out enough spoons to do exactly that.
As a semi-lighthearted aside, I somehow managed to type all of that out with no typos to correct. Small victories.
I'll post an update later and let everyone know how that goes.