Mental Health and Suicide

[CoffeeHorse]

One week ago right now the hospital was still planning to send him home the next day with a clear path to recovery. I never heard his voice again. He was on a breathing tube before morning.

That's always going to hurt. Everything we worked for just to end up with what feels like the worst possible outcome.

 

[wonko the sane?]

This was always the outcome, you were fighting for WHEN it happened. To push it back as far as you could...

And it seemed like you had won, for a while there.

The worst part is it's going to sneak up on you. You'll think you're over after a few years, you're not even thinking about it... then someone completely random, like a game character, will say something in such a way that you get crushed for a few seconds... and that's enough.

This is why I can't bring nick valentine as a companion when I play fallout 4. One of his lines when you crack open a lock is just... pitch and tone, and perfectly on point for my grandfathers sarcasm...

 

[Stepwise]

I'm sorry for your loss, Fnu.

 

[CoffeeHorse]

Movies get death completely wrong. They make you think it's going to be all somber and quiet and lonely. Too quiet. Awful, empty quiet.

It is not even a little bit like that. It is noisy. My phone rings constantly. His phone rings constantly.

It's not helping but I don't know what to tell people. I'm not the only one grieving. I feel like people deserve to think they're helping.

 

[Wheelimus]

I remember that portion of grieving my dad well. *Most* people mean well, but I remember a few pervs of my dad's friends trying to pick my mom up. Ugh.

Anyway I'd just advise you to take the calls, let the ones that are trying help, but remember you have an automatic get out of the call free card just by saying it's too much to talk about. And then get off the phone and wait for the next one.

Sorry man, this part isn't easy.

 

[CoffeeHorse]

My mother left over ten years ago to go gold digging, so at least I don't have to worry about that.

People do want to help. I've even gotten calls from a few of the nurses asking how I'm doing.

 

[wonko the sane?]

And just how ARE you doing?

 

[Caldwin]

When my grandma died last year, I mostly told everyone so they'd know not to press any buttons. Past that, I know I really just didn't want to say anything to anyone about it.

I'm sure different people handle things differently. I don't like to talk about it. Others really need to.

So I'm just going to say that if you need to talk, I'll listen, here or in PM. Otherwise, this'll be the last you hear me speak about it. I am sorry for your loss though.

 

[CoffeeHorse]

And just how ARE you doing?

On the negative side, I still have no idea what to do with myself, and I've developed a bad stutter. The sentences are fine in my head but they just get lost somewhere on the way to my mouth. I am hoping that's temporary. Maybe my mouth is just worn out from everything.

On the plus side, I'm almost caught up on sleep, my muscles have stopped hurting, and I've regained some weight already.

 

[wonko the sane?]

So physically better, but mentally and emotionally... similar.

I could make some noise about how much you've been through, and you still need to process... but it's been said already.

You will be fine... eventually. Now that you've caught up on your sleep, it'll be little easier. Just keep on, and one day (maybe even soon.) you'll be outside walking and realize the sun is shining and you'll smile.

 

[CoffeeHorse]

It hit me again last night. Didn't sleep.

The stutter got better for a while, but now it's back.

 

[wonko the sane?]

Yeah... that never really stops. It gets less frequent and less powerful, eventually just becoming the occasional intrusive thought, but it never really stops.

It's part of grieving and, sadly, part of living.

Eventually when it happens; it won't be "Oh god, I miss them so much" and becomes "you know who woulda loved this?". The pain fades, but the happy memories? Yeah, those last a HELL of a lot longer.

 

[Nevermore]

So... I'm feeling pretty miserable right now, and I don't know why. Been having weird symptoms on and off for over two years now, with the current stretch going on since last April. Had a crapton of medical exams, and always the same result: "You're perfectly healthy."

About four weeks ago, I started having trouble sleeping. The last time this happened was ten years ago, and even then, it didn't last this long.

Slowly beginning to accept that I might be suffering from depression. In fact, I might have been suffering from a mild depression for over 25 years, this is just a more extreme version.

My mom is a recovering longtime depression patient, and my dad is having mental health issues as well.

I've been on an antidepressant for three weeks now, and I got in touch with a therapist to arrange an appointment.

 

[Nevermore]

The good news is, having witnessed my mom at her absolute worst several times between 2003 and 2016, and seeing her pretty much restored to "normal" for the past seven years, to the point where my dad and I are occasionally joking that her condition outright "scares" us (in the positive sense), there's definitely hope.

 

[Caldwin]

The hardest part is honesty admitting it to yourself. "I'm just a little blue. Everyone gets down every now and then." "Okay, so it's more than just every now and then, but that's just me." "It's not that bad."

Getting to the point of "okay, this isn't normal and I need help to get better," is huge.

 

[CoffeeHorse]

Finding out you have depression is a good thing. Admitting it doesn't mean you suddenly have it now. You already had it. But now it has a name and you can fight it.

 

[Nevermore]

The good news is, my parents offered me to spend the nights at their place (the don't live far from me). After another night of no sleep, I was actually able to sleep for a few hours this past night. I feel a little better.

 

[Nevermore]

Fourth night of sleeping.

At one point, I definitely woke up after turning from my side to my back, where I triggered something in my neck.

I already got an appointment for an MRI... in June.

 

[Caldwin]

3 months away? Dang! Can your doctor at least prescribe some pain killers until then?

 

[Nevermore]

He did.

I also have an appointment for a gastroscopy in July. Such is the fun under the German healthcare system. Everyone has affordable health insurance, but getting an appointment with a specialist is an exercise in patience.